Pokemon Crimson and Teal
by DarkSlash9
Summary: Advanceshipping. Ash returns from Unova, ready to go on his next adventure. When Gary tells Ash what region to go to next, Ash blindly follows Gary's suggestions. Meanwhile, Gary has his own things to take care of. And Deep in the shadows... Dawn Berlitz lurks... CRUDE HUMOR. NO FLAMING. ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK. Lemons later on.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey, this is DarkSlash9. This is my first fanfic, so please, leave me some reviews. **

* * *

Our story begins with our favorite Pokemon Trainer, Ash, walking into his home after his journey through the Unova Region.

"Mom! Im ho-"

"AAASSSSHHHHH!" screamed Delia Ketchum as she crashed into him, giving him a bear hug.

"I missed you too Mom."

Ash and his mother spoke for a while, Ash telling his mother about all of his adventures and how he defeated Gym Leaders and a bunch of other stuff he did. After a couple hours of speaking Ash decided it was time for him to go visit Professor Oak. So Ash and Pikachu left the Ketchum household and took a walk to Professor Oak's lab. On his way there, he began thinking of all his adventures around the world. Kanto, Orange Islands, Johto, Hoenn, Battle Frontier, Sinnoh and Unova. He started thinking about all the companions he traveled with.

Brock, the former gym leader of Pewter City, who's eyes NEVER opened.

Misty, the Cerulean City Gym Leader who Ash was 95% sure was a closet Lesbian until she started dating Gary Oak.

Tracey, who Ash felt bad for for having such a girly name.

Dawn, Ash's least favorite. She was terrible at hiding her crush on him, and Ash, not as dense as he lets on, knew about her feelings and didnt return them. But instead of avoiding her, he pretended like he didn't know, to avoid the awkwardness.

Cilan, another person that Ash thought was a homosexual. _"Honestly," _Ash thought, "_What the fuck is a Pokemon Connoisseur?"_

Iris, the one Ash cared least about, because he thought she was a mega-prick.

Max, a young boy who was pretty cool, but a huge smartass at times. And of course his older sister...

May. _May. _Ash blushed at the thought of her boobs, which where C cups, which was astounding for someone of her age at the time. But it wasnt the only reason he liked her. He just... Liked her. He couldn't think of any reasons why. Shrugging off his feelings, he continued to Professor Oak's lab.

Finally arriving at the lab, Ash opened the double doors and looked around for Professor Oak. All Ash saw was a the back of a familiar head of spiky brown hair. Ash walked over to the figure he used to hate.

"Gary fucking Oak." he said with a smile.

Gary didnt recognize Ash's now deeper voice and turned around not too amused with Ash's nickname for him. He said angrily,

"Listen you little shit! How dare you call me, The Mighty Gary Oak- Oh, hey Ash."

"'The Mighty Gary Oak?'" Ash said with a chuckle.

"Sorry, thought you were some random kid. Anyway, how was Unova Ashy Boy?" replied Gary.

"Eh, it was fine. Caught a couple pokemon, got some badges."

"Well, that's good. Lemme guess, you're looking for my Grandpa?"

"Yup. I gotta ask Professor Oak which region i should go to next." said Ash.

"Theres only 1 region left Ashy Boy." said Gary with a smirk.

"That being...?"

"The Pusso Region." said Gary, with a devious smile on his face.

"Pusso?"

"Pusso. It's located right on the equator. Hot as balls, but word is if you beat its Gym Leaders, you're inducted into the Pokemon Trainer Hall of Fame."

Ash's eyes widened. "Holy shit Gary! When's the next flight there!?"

"2 weeks." said Gary.

"ALRIGHT! Im pumped as fuck! Anyway, where is Professor Oak?"

"Grandpa's on vacation. He's coming back in 2 weeks. I'm in charge of the lab while hes gone."

"Aww man... i was hoping i could see him before my flight... Oh well. Tell him I said hi!" said Ash.

"Okay. Later ASHY BOY."

"Shut the fuck up, Gary." Ash said with a smirk.

Ash then left the lab.

Gary returns to his work, laughing his ass off. _"Oh Ashy Boy, you're gonna LOVE Pusso... or not. :)"_

* * *

Ash and Pikachu ran home, excited as hell for their next adventure. Ash jumped into his house and ran to his Mom's room. He walked in on her snorting some white powder. When he walked in, she quickly shooed it off the table. With bloodshot eyes she asked him what happened, and Ash explained everything. As soon as Ash's mother heard the words "Pusso Region", she cut him off.

"Honey," said Delia in a motherly tone, "You're 19 years old now... Maybe you shouldn't go to Pusso. Maybe you should, you know, get a job and start looking for someone to date and eventually marry."

"Yeah fuck that Mom, im goin to Pusso. If i win every gym battle there, I get inducted into the Pokemon Trainer Hall of Fame!" said Ash as he yawned. "Im goin to bed. I'm leaving for Pusso in 2 weeks."

"Okay honey. Goodnight."

"Goodnight Mom."

Delia sat on the couch in deep thought. _"Of all places... WHY Pusso?"_

* * *

The two weeks seemed to pass by like lightning. Ash, Pikachu, and Delia were at the airport. Ash checked in his bags and bought his ticket. Soon the time came for Ash to go wait at the gate for his flight to Pusso. Ash's mother started crying, saying how much she was going to miss him. Ash, used to this gave his mom a hug back and went to the gate.

An hour passed, and soon the announcement was heard that all people taking the flight the the Pusso Region are to board the plane.

"Okay Pikachu," said Ash, "You ready for Pusso?!"

"Pika! (Fuck you Ash, you pickleshit.)" said Pikachu.

"That's the spirit! Let's Goooo!" replied Ash, as he ran to the plane.

* * *

Later that night, Gary was in the lab with Misty. They were closing for the night. Gary was packing up some files when he felt Misty touch his shoulder.

"Hey Gary... Wanna have fun tonight?" She said in a seductive tone.

"Thought you'd never ask," said Gary. "Hold on though, we cant have sex in the lab. Grandpa should be here any minute. We'll do it at my house instead."

"Oh come on Gary... I want you... we haven't done it in weeks because you've been so busy with the lab..." said Misty as she grabbed his crotch.

"Listen Misty, we cant. Just wait 20 minutes."

"Oh come on Gary just fuck m-"

"Gary! I'm back from my vacation!" yelled Professor Oak, as he entered his lab.

"Hello Professor Oak!" said Misty as she let go of Gary's crotch as fast as lightning.

"Hey gramps," said Gary casually. "how were the Southern Johto Tropics?"

"Oh, they were delightful. Say, I heard Ash is back in town!"

"He _was. _He's already left to go on his next journey." Gary said with a smirk.

"Oh that's too bad. What region is he going to next?" asked the professor.

"Heheh... Pusso." said Gary.

the mood in the room suddenly changed.

"PUSSO?!" shrieked Professor Oak.

"Isn't that the region where all the native pokemon's names and abilities are extremely offensive and racist?" asked Misty in disbelief.

"That's the one." said Gary with a mischievous smile.

"What would make him want to go there?" asked Professor Oak.

"I lied saying it was the last region left and told him some bullshit about a Trainer Hall of Fame or something." said Gary.

"The LAST REGION? WHAT ABOUT THE KALOS REGION?" yelled Professor Oak.

"Heheh... I guess Ashy Boy is going to Kalos AFTER Pusso then." laughed Gary.

Professor Oak just shook his head in disbelief and went up to his room, leaving Misty and Gary alone. Gary finished packing up the files, still laughing. Misty just looked at her boyfriend awhile before shaking her head.

"C'mon babe, let's go." said Gary, finally composing himself.

"Gary fucking Oak..." she said as she smiled and walked towards the exit of the lab.

* * *

**So, how'd you guys like that chapter? Dont worry, May will make her first appearance next chapter, and there will be much more comedy next chapter. Bye!**

**~DarkSlash9**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey everyone! Chapter 2**

**We meet our first Pussovan pokemon. It's racial joke is black people. You cant call me racist, because i AM black. ;)**

**Disclaimer: I dont own Pokemon. If i did, what would be the point of writing a fanfiction?**

* * *

The next morning, finally arriving in the Pusso region, Ash was practically exploding with joy. The plane ride was terrible, the guy sitting next to him was dressed in a Batman suit on his way to Pusso's Comic-Con. He kept whispering to Ash, "I'M BATMAN." in a low husky voice. Ash began to fear for his life.  
But Ash was saved from his torment when the plane's pilot announced that landing was about to begin. Once the plain landed, Ash ran out as fast as he could with Pikachu. He wasn't going to wait to see what "Batman" would say to him next.

Once Ash left the airport, he looked around. Apparently he was near the outskirts of Gangsta City, where he would battle his first Gym Leader.

"I'm so excited Pikachu!" squealed Ash.

"Pika Pi! (go to hell you shithead.)" replied Pikachu.

With that, they walked through the woods that surrounded Gangsta City. Ash and Pikachu were walking quietly until Ash heard a sound. It kinda sounded like the N-Word. Ash listened closely and heard it again.

"Did you hear that Pikachu?"

"Pika Pikachu...(yeah i heard it jackass.)"

"Nigga?"

"There it is again!" said Ash.

Then finally, a small pokemon crawled out from behind a tree. It looks like a psyduck, but has black feathers and big pink lips instead of a beak.

"Nigga nigg..." said the small creature.

"Pika Pik? (what the serious fuck is that?)" said Pikachu.

Ash pulled out his pokedex and pointed it at the new pokemon. The pokedex saw the creature and said in the usual robotic voice,

_"Niggaflare, The Black Pokemon. The fire starter for the Pusso Region. Using the energy provided from its strict diet of Fried Pidgey and Grape Soda, it 'spits supa hot rhymes' from its mouth."_

Ash couldn't help but stare at the pokedex. Was he hearing it wrong? Or did the pokedex just say something completely racist? Ash shrugged, and grabbed one of his pokeballs.

"Well... racist or not, a pokemon is a pokemon." said Ash uneasily.

"Pika...(fuck you..)" muttered Pikachu.

Ash threw the pokeball at the Niggaflare and caught it. He continued on his merry way and made it into the city, when he saw something that made his heart skip a beat. A girl in a green bandana, orange shirt, and black biker shorts. _Sexy_ black biker shorts. _May. _He ran after her, but bumped into a buff guy who was about 27 years old.

"Sorry about that!" yelled Ash as he continued to chase after May.

May turned around hearing all the commotion and saw Ash running towards her. She was surprised as fuck. When Ash finally got to her, she gave him a huge hug.

_"This is awesome! ASH is here! Yayy~" _thought May.

_"Sweet merciful Jesus her tits got even bigger!? O.O" thought Ash_

"Hi Ash!" said May.

"Hey Tits-I mean May. What are you doing her in Pusso?" asked Ash.

"I've decided to give up coordinating and become a pokemon trainer. Zoey told me I should start with Pusso because of the Pokemon Trainer Hall of Fame!"

"Holy shit! Thats I'm here for!" exclaimed Ash.

"Maybe we can travel together...?" half-whispered May, blushing.

"That sounds great!" said Ash. Ash thought he was the luckiest guy on earth. He started thinking about how much fun he could have with May in the Pusso Region.

_"This is gonna be grea-" _Ash didnt get to finish his thought, because he got hit by a car.

* * *

That same morning, Gary and Misty were in Gary's house, in his room, on his bed, butt naked. Misty had a troubled expression on her face, while Gary was smiling his "I'm Gary fucking Oak" smile. Gary leaned over and kissed Misty.

"Great sex Misty! You've improved!" said Gary.

"Yeah..." said Misty, still troubled by something.

"What's wrong babe?" asked Gary.

"Gary... I think we should break up..."

"DAFUQ you talkin' bout?"

"I just don't feel love anymore. I just feel lust when I'm around you..."

Gary's face went pale with shock. Gary was never dumped before. Usually he was the one that dumped the ladies. His face quickly changed from pale to hot red.

"BITCH PLEASE! I AM THE MIGHTY GARY FUCKING OAK! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY GIRLS WANT TO BE IN YOUR SHOES?! I'VE GOT THE HOES LINING UP TO SUCK MY DICK!" screamed Gary.

Misty wad stunned. Gary was going off. She started fearing for her safety, so she began to put her clothes on as Gary continued on his rant. Gary was saying insane things like "I AM PALLET TOWN'S ALPHAMALE!" And "I AM A SUPERNATURAL BEING!" after hearing that, Misty started putting her clothes on faster. Finally fully dressed, Misty left Gary's house. Last thing she heard him say was "I AM THE CHOSEN ONE, BIOTCH!"

An hour later, Gary was calm again. He got dressed and left for the lab. Upon entering the lab, he started smiling, as an idea dawned upon him. He walked to a computer lost in thought until he bumped into Tracey.

"What's up Gary?" asked Tracey.

"Hey, why are you in the lab so early?"

"I dunno. How are things with Misty?" replied Tracey.

"That fire-crotch dumped me!" Gary retorted, clenching his fists.

"Well that sucks. Do you have a plan B?"

"The Mighty Gary Oak always has a plan B." said Gary in a "thats common sense" tone.

"So whats the plan?"

"Well, i'm going to start a club. Have you ever heard of Charlie's Angels?"

"Yeah."

"It'll be like that, minus all that detective shit."

"So what exactly will the girls do Gary?"

"We just fuck. However i want, whenever i want. I think I shall name the organization Gary's Bitches."

"Good luck with that." said Tracy.

"What? You dont think I can do it?! Must I remind you I lost my virginity at 11?"

"Thats not something to be proud of."

"That's a load of poppycock! My dick knows no bounds! NO BOUNDS!" yelled Gary As he stormed out of the lab, deeming Tracy unworthy of his presence.

Tracy watched him leave.

"Professor Oak! I think Misty _broke_ Gary."

"Yeah I gave up on that boy a long time ago." replied the professor, who was coming from his office.

Tracey was still watching Gary walk down the street. Gary tripped on a rock and yelled "FUCCCCCKKKKKKK!" As loud as he could.

Tracey shook his head and walked back to his work station.

"Gary fucking Oak..." he thought aloud.

* * *

**dont worry, Ash isnt dead. but when he wakes up next chapter, he'll be in for a surprise. Til then, adios!**

**~DarkSlash9**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey hey hey! DarkSlash9's here! **

**I've decided to focus this chapter a little more on the romantic side of this fic. But dont worry, there will still be some humor. **

**Disclaimer: Pokemon aint mine bitchez.**

* * *

Ash was in the hospital. The car hit him right in the side, which broke his arm. Many of his ribs were bruised as well. He was connected to tons of machines. In short, he felt like a busload of Grade-A shit. He was drifting in and out of consciousness, and he hated it. He'd occasionally hear doctors speaking, or May asking the doctors if he'll be okay.

_"At least May's here..." _He thought.

The hours seemed to pass by like minutes, and soon, it was nighttime. Ash was finally regaining consciousness when May entered the room to visit him. For some reason, Ash decided to pretend to be unconscious. After a couple of minutes of staring at Ash, May walked over to his bruised body and patted his head.

"Oh Ash, I've missed you so much..." said May sadly. "Im just glad that we're traveling together... Maybe I can muster up the strength to tell you my feelings along the way..."

Ash's mind was going apeshit. Her feelings?! What feelings? Ash wanted to know. So he decided to continue pretending to be unconscious. But May was silent after that. Ash thought she figured out he was faking being asleep, when in reality, May was thinking.

_"Maybe I should kiss him... It's not like he's awake or anything." _she thought.

Ash was about to quit his acting when he felt lips on his. Lips kissing his.

_"WHAT THE FUCK?! SHES KISSING ME? That's it. My life is complete." _thought Ash. _"If only I wasn't pretending to be asleep, I could kiss her back!"_

May withdrew from the kiss. She then packed her things and walked towards the door. On the way out she bumped into Ash's bed and the whole thing shook, along with Ash. May paused for a second, too see if she broke anything, when she heard Ash grumble, "Dammit May..."

May gasped. Ash instantly realized that he blew his cover. She bolted out of the room, now knowing that Ash was fully awake for her half-confession and the kiss she gave him.

"Fuuuuuck..." Ash muttered in anger. "Now what do i do?"

Pikachu, who was awake for the whole thing, replied with a "Pika pi, pikachu!(Common sense, you plum-fuck. Bang her!)"

"Good idea, Pikachu. I'll just pretend like I wasn't awake for the kiss, and ask her out later." replied Ash.

"Pika. (You dipshit, that's like, the exact opposite of my idea!)" said Pikachu.

"Yeah, you're right... having sex with her would be a terrible idea. We have no condoms..." replied Ash.

"Pikaaa... (fuck it... im done speaking to you.)" grumbled Pikachu.

Ash spent the remainder of the night thinking about May.

* * *

Late the next morning, May entered Ash's room again. She was nervous, but she came to the conclusion that she might as well tell Ash her feelings since she kissed him while he was awake. When she walked in, Ash was awake in his bed, flipping through channels on the TV with his arm that wasn't in a cast. She took a deep breath and began to speak.

"Ash... we need to talk."

"About what?"

"About last night... About what i did..."

"Whatchya mean? It was an accident. I doubt you bumped into the bed on purpose!" said Ash, pretending to oblivious to the kiss she gave him the night prior.

May stood still for a second, staring at Ash. Could she have been overreacting? "_Maybe Ash wasn't awake for the kiss." _she thought.

"...Yeah. Im sorry. I know it must have hurt when i bumped into the bed." said May.

Ash waved his hand in dismissal of subject. May sat on a chair next to his bed and they sat watching TV for a awhile. It was a nice silence, but it was interrupted when Ash started speaking.

"So... caught any Pussovan pokemon?" he asked.

"Yup. Just one. It's the water starter for this region," said May, grabbing a pokeball. "Crackersplasher! Come on out!"

May tossed the pokeball to the ground and out of it came an interesting looking pokemon. It just like a cubone, except it had a lacrosse stick instead of a bone. It also had a mask that looked somewhat like a hockey mask.

Ash pulled out his pokedex and pointed it at the new pokemon.

_"Crackersplasher, The White Pokemon. The water starter for the Pusso Region. These pokemon are born with a lacrosse stick in their hands. They can shoot water from their fingertips, are great swimmers, and love eating food from Panera Bread. But beware, if they ingest a food with any spicy ingredients at all, they could die."_

Ash looked at his pokedex the same way as he did when he caught Niggaflare. May looked at him, confused as to what the shocked face was for.

'What's wrong Ash?"

"This is the second pokemon I've seen with a racist or stereotypical name and abilites." said Ash.

"Well duhh, we ARE in the Pusso Region." replied May.

"This is normal here?" asked Ash in awe.

"Yep. Whoever sent you here should have told you that." said May.

Ash growled as he thought of the douche that sent him.

* * *

Gary was waiting for someone. Someone he called. They were 5 minutes late. After 4 more minutes, she finally got to his house.

"Hey Gary." said Zoey with a smile. She walked in and sat on the couch.

"Hey Zoe-" said Gary. he was cut off by the second person who entered the room. Someone Gary didn't know was coming.

"Hello Gary." said a familiar purple haired guy.

"Hey Paul! I haven't seen you since the disbanding of the 'To Hell With Ash Ketchum' Club!"

"Alright Gary, cut the shit. Why are you inviting Zoey, my girlfriend, to your house?" said Paul with his usual stale tone.

Gary was slightly annoyed by the disrespect Paul was giving him.

"Well, it's just that Zoey here and I have become rather great friends, so great of friends that we both told the same lie to our friends and sent them both off to the Pusso Region. Im just thinking that maybe, _just maybe_, she would be interested in a job offer i have for her." said Gary with a smirk.

"What's the job Gary?" asked Zoey.

"Well it's pretty simple. You become my fuck buddy. We fuck when i want, where i want, however i want. And let me just say, I'm 100% sure my dick is larger than Paul's."

Paul was seething with rage. But he knew that Zoey was a faithful girl, and that she would never leave hi-

"THAT SOUNDS FANTASTIC!" exclaimed Zoey.

"Alright then! Welcome to Gary's Bitches!" said Gary gleefully.

Gary then looked at Paul and said, "You just got Gary Oak'd!"

"WHAT THE FUCK ZOEY?" yelled Paul.

"Sorry Paul, but this is a once in a lifetime chance. We're through." said Zoey happily.

Paul was 2 seconds away from punching Gary when he realized something.

"Wait a minute Gary. You cant have sex with Zoey! Shes still 17. A MINOR. HAHAHA! If she joins your sick club, It'll be against the law."

"Fuck the laws! I'm The Irresistible Gary Oak. And last time I checked, Officer Jenny, all 300 of them, wanna bang me anyway!" said Gary nonchalantly.

Gary then put his arm around Zoey, put on his sunglasses, and left with Zoey. He looked at Paul one last time and gave him a thumbs up before leaving.

Paul just stood there in shock for about 10 minutes. He then calmly pulled out his cell phone in his usual emotionless style. He started dialing Officer Jenny's number.

"Gary fucking Oak..." he muttered as the put his phone to his ear.

* * *

**Well there's Chapter 3!**

**Ash and May's feelings for eachother are on the rise, and the Reign of Gary and His Bitches has begun. Til next time!  
**

**~DarkSlash9**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey everyone! Just a reminder that it DID say that this story has come crude humor in the summary. And i DID say "enter at your own risk."Anyway, this is another romantic chapter, but of course, there will be a few jokes. And also, our fourth and final main character (The others being May, Ash, and Gary fucking Oak) enters the story. Dawn.  
But anyway, here's chapter 4.**

**Disclaimer: If i owned Pokemon, Gary fucking Oak would be the main character. But he's not, so...**

* * *

Two days after Ash getting hit by a car...

(8:15 AM)

"Mom! I'm home from the supermarket!" exclaimed a blue-haired girl, her hands filled with shopping bags.

The girl's mother, who also had blue hair, walked over and grabbed some of the bags from her daughter's hands, and placed them on the kitchen table.

"Dawn honey... I just heard some bad news on the Channel 9 News..." said the mother, with a worried expression on her face.

"What happened Mom?" asked Dawn.

"Ash has been-"

"WHAT HAPPENED TO MY FUTURE HUSBAND?!" exclaimed Dawn.

"Ash has been..."

"MOM TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED TO ASH OR SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL-"

"He was hit by a car!" said Mrs. Berlitz.

Dawn stared at her mother in shock. Dawn's mother then walked to the cabinet and got a lighter and a plastic zip-lock bag of what looked like dried leaves. She then walked to her room and shut the door. Dawn ignored that and ran to the TV, turned it on and went to channel 9. And low and behold, Ash's story was there.

"Two days ago in the Pusso Region, a 19 year old pokemon trainer by the name of Ash Ketchup was sent to the hospital after being hit by a car. Not only did the driver crash into him, they also ran over his arm while attempting am hit-and-run. The result of the accident was a broken arm, and 2 days bed rest for the young victim." said the anchorman.

"Our sources tell us Mr. Ketchup has made a full recovery, and is checking out of Tupac Shakur Memorial Hospital, in Gangsta City, today." said the anchorwoman.

Dawn let out a huge sigh in relief. Then, all of a sudden, a light-bulb appeared in her head.

_"Now that Ash is handicapped, this can give me an excuse to go see him! Since he's got a broken arm, he'll probably need a traveling companion to help him out! I can confess to him!" t_hought Dawn with glee.

"Moooooooommmm~~" sang Dawn.

Dawn skipped into her mother's room and walked in on her smoking what looked like a hand made cigarette. Except it didn't smell like a cigarette.

"Mom? I didn't know you smoked..."

Mrs. Berlitz quickly threw the blunt out of the window and looked at her daughter.

"What are you talking about?! That was a lollipop!" said Mrs. Berlitz in a carefree tone.

"...Whatever. Anyway, Mom, can I go to the Pusso Region to help Ash out? He must be struggling to get around with a broken arm." said Dawn.

"Of course honeyyy... here's 500 bucks..." said Mrs. Berlitz as she clumsily fumbled through her bag, before pulling out five 100 dollar bills.

"Thanks Mom!" squealed Dawn as she ran to her room to pack her things.

A few hours passed and Dawn left. Finally sobering up from her high, Mrs. Berlitz realized that she just accidentally gave Dawn her whole marijuana fund. _"NOW how am I supposed to buy weed?!" _Thought Mrs. Berlitz. But it was too late. Dawn was already on her plane to the Pusso Region...

* * *

That afternoon (6:30 PM), Ash finally checked out of the hospital, with his arm in a sling. May walked beside him. They decided a walk through the Gangsta City Pokemon Park would be fun. So that's exactly what they did. Walking through the park, Ash saw tons of Pokemon he never saw before. Niggablast, the evolved form of Niggablaze. He saw the grass starter for the Pusso Region: Jewbat. It was a cross between grass type and flying type. Apparently people that chose Jewbats for their starters were destined to be lawyers and other successful things. Jewbat's were also very good at spotting money. No one knew why though...

After half an hour of walking around, Ash and May sat down on a bench. The sun was setting, and people were starting to leave the park. Ash and May decided to watch the sunset. Ash, being the cliche motherfucker he is, decided that this would be the perfect time to ask out May. Pikachu, who realized Ash's decision by the way Ash kept glancing at May, spoke up.

"Pika pika... pi kaaaa...(I think you shoud grow a pair of poke-balls and do this yourself...)" said Pikachu walking away.

"Oh? You're going to the bathroom buddy? Okay!" said Ash.

"PIKA PIKA CHU...pi pikachuuuu... (THATS NOT WHAT I SAID... dumbasssss...) grumbled Pikachu.

So Pikachu left, leaving Ash alone with May. Ash mustered up his strength and began.

"Hey May... I was just thinking that since were going to be travelling together, I might as well tell you my feelings..." said Ash nervously.

May, who was deep in thought, looked at Ash.

"What feelings, Ash?" she said, trying to suppress her nervousness.

"W-well, we've been friends for so long, you're like my best friend..."

"You're my best friend too Ash..." said May, thinking she was being friend-zoned.

_"FUCK!" _he thought to himself, realizing what he said sounded more like a "friend-zone" line than a "I love you" line.

"Ash, I'm gonna go get us some ice cream, you stay here." said May trying to avoid anymore friendzoning. "What flavor do you-"

Her sentence was cut off by Ash kissing her on the lips. She was so overwhelmed by the joy of Ash kissing her that she forgot to kiss him back. She fixed that quite quickly. Before they knew it, they were completely making out.

"WHAT THE UNHOLY FUCK!?" screamed a voice. After hearing that, Ash froze, and May reluctantly ended their kiss to see who said it. But Ash Ketchum didn't look. He knew who it was. And when he heard it, all he thought was, _"...crap."_

May looked over at the direction the sound came from and saw a scary sight. Fast approaching was Dawn Berlitz, pissed as fuck, stomping so hard the nearby pokemon ran in fear.

"She looks familiar Ash... what's her name again?" asked May.

"_Dawn,"_ replied Ash."_Dawn Berlitz."_

* * *

Gary and Zoey were in Gary's House, on his bed, making out. Gary was in a black T-shirt and boxers, while Zoey only had panties on. Gary and Zoey were calmly making out until Zoey started picking up the pace. Gary stopped kissing her and looked at her with a stern look on his face.

"No, no, no, no, NO. Listen Zoey/Bitch#1, must I remind you rule #1 in the Gary's Bitches Handbook? Only I can speed up the kissing!" said Gary.

"Sorry Gary..." said Zoey, ashamed of herself.

Gary facepalmed. "It seems you forgot rule #2 also. My bitches are only allowed to call me Master Oak! NOTHING ELSE!" growled Gary.

"Sorry Master Oak..." said Zoey, truly ashamed.

"Now... Release the Kraken." said Gary dramatically.

"The Kraken?" asked Zoey innocently.

"HOLY SHIT DID YOU DO ANY OF YOUR HOMEWORK? 'THE KRAKEN' IS MY DICK!" yelled Gary, clearly aggravated at Zoey's lack of proper Gary's Bitches conduct.

Right as he yelled that, an Officer Jenny kicked down the door and pointed her gun, which was loaded with rubber bullets, at Gary, who was not surprised at all.

"Officer Jenny! How nice of you to stop by~!" said Gary happily. "And, by the way, i knew you were there."

Officer Jenny lowered her gun and looked at Gary in confusion. "How?"

"I'm Gary fucking Oak, that's how."

Officer Jenny then pointed her gun back at Gary and said, "Whatever! You're under arrest for attempting to have sex with a minor! I'm here to arrest you!"

"You will do no such thing. In case you haven't noticed, I am THE Gary Oak. A descendant of the Gods. Silly Jenny, I'm above the law." said Gary as if he was speaking to a child.

Gary then gave Officer Jenny his signature smile, and said in a smooth tone, "Now that we have that situation under control... would you care to join us?" asked Gary.

Officer Jenny lowered her gun. Her mind was telling her no, but her body was telling her yes. She stood there shaking.

"What's happening to her?" Zoey whispered in Gary's ear.

"The Gary Oak effect, it's how I catch both pokemon AND bitches" replied Gary with a smirk.

Officer Jenny finally gave up and began taking taking her clothes off.

"Heheh...Welcome to Gary's Bitches! Here's your handbook." said Gary joyfully as he handed her the booklet.

Officer Jenny took it and put it in her bag.

"Gary fucking Oak..." she sighed as she removed her bra and joined Zoey and Gary in the bed.

* * *

**Howdy. I sorry about the lack of comedy in this chapter and the last one. Dont worry, chapter 5 will be focused on the humor more. And please, leave me some reviews. Im pretty open to ideas. And constructive criticism.  
Au revoir!  
**

**~DarkSlash9**


	5. Chapter 5

**D-d-d-d-d-DARKSLASH9! After two chapters that were more on the story/romance side, it's about high time i give you all a chapter of humor and fun! (with a little bit of story.) Enjoy!  
**

**Disclaimer: POKEMON! I don't own em' alllllllll!**

* * *

Rage. Pure, unrefined, powerful rage. Those are the only words that could describe the amount of anger Dawn Berlitz felt when she saw May Maple locking lips with Ash Ketchum. She had packed her stuff and took the long plane ride from Sinnoh to Pusso. She had checked put her whole life on pause to go help Ash and she was rewarded with learning that it was all for nothing.

"WHAT THE UNHOLY FUCK?!" Dawn thought aloud.

What she was seeing was almost too hard for her brain to process. Her mind immediately came to the conclusion that May kissed Ash first, and that he didn't like May.

She saw May look at her after she yelled. That just got her even more livid, if possible. She stomped her way over to Ash and May. Ash got more scared with each stomp. He was about to pull May and Run when he heard May begin to speak.

"Hey Dawn, long time no see, what's wro-" asked May. She didn't finish her sentence, because Dawn delivered to her the most powerful back-hand bitch-slap the world had ever known. It was The Slap Heard Around the World. The sound of the slap echoed through the skies, and even Rayquaza, the defender of the pokemon world, looked to see where the sound came from. After a slap of that caliber, the pokemon world entered a new era.

May staggered. But Dawn wasn't done. It was time for Dawn's colorful vocabulary to enter the fray.

"YOU SORRY-ASS SYRUP-BITCH, I DON'T PLAY NO GAMES WHEN IT COMES TO MY MAN!" screamed Dawn. "ASH IS MINE!" she then delivered a devastating Tiger Uppercut (_Street Fighter_ move) to May's chin.

May was knocked out. Ash was shocked. Dawn was calming down.

"Dawn... the fuck?" asked Ash.

"It's okay Ash, I know that May was coming on to you. Being the skanky wanky slut she is, I bet you didn't even want the kiss." said Dawn with a loving smile.

"Actually... I kissed her."

Dawn's world came to an end when she heard Ash say that. But then she smiled again. Remembering that it was a certain holiday.

"Silly Ash, you cant fool me, I know it's Opposite Day! It's okay, I just realized also!" said Dawn with a chuckle.

"Dawn, I DON'T LIKE YOU. I LOVE MAY." said Ash, losing his patience.

"That so nice of you Ash!" said Dawn.

Ash then realized that it actually was Opposite Day. _"Dammit,"_ he thought. _"How could I forget such a sacred holiday?"_

Ash, now knowing that it was indeed Opposite Day said to Dawn, "I fucking hate May! I LOVE YOU DAWN!" After hearing that, Dawn ran away in tears.

But right as Ash said that, May, who was not aware that it was Opposite Day, woke up.

"Ash... how could you say that?" said May, genuinely hurt.

_"FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFuck." _thought Ash.

May then ran away also. Leaving Ash alone in the park.

* * *

Dawn was running. Running as fast as she could back to her hotel. She ran inside, entered the elevator, and pressed the floor she was going to. She entered her room and began sobbing. She was thinking about how miserable she was without Ash. She then came to a realization: If she murders May, then Ash will be hers. Any normal person would realize that is some pretty fucked up logic, but Dawn's insane. She picked up her cell phone and dialed her mother's number.

"Hey Mom."

"Hellllooo Dawwwwwwn...~~" sang Mrs. Berlitz through the phone. She obviously found another way to buy her marijuana.

"Mom, you know that box we keep in the attic filled with lethal weapons?"

"...Yeaaaahh... I like guns... they make loud noises. BOOM BOOM PEWWWW" said Mrs. Berlitz.

"...T_T...Okay... Anyway, I need you to send me that box. In the mail."

"What's the name of your hotellll?" asked Mrs. Berlitz.

"The Thug Life Inn, Gangsta City." replied Dawn.

"M'kayyyyy honey... Adios! Au revoir! Ciao!" said Mrs. Berlitz.

"Bye Mom."

Dawn hung up the phone. She then smiled a smile so evil Adolf Hitler would shit his pants at the sight of it. May was her target. Her weapons were on their way. Ash would soon be hers.

* * *

It was a pure white room. It had a black tiled floor. Alone, in the center of the room, stood Arceus, the god of pokemon. He had a worried expression on his face. After standing still in deep thought for an hour or so, Arceus came to a decision. He sent out a telepathic message to a select few Legendary Pokemon.

_"Dialga, Entei, Rayquaza, and Mew... please come to my domain. It is time the World Council met."_

A few minutes later, said pokemon entered the room.

"Eyo Pops wassup in the shizzle do wizzle?" hollered Rayquaza.

"Yes Father, I too would like to know why the World Council has been gathered so abruptly." asked Mew.

"Yeah Dad... Suicune and I were doing... things." said Entei unhappily.

"FUCK YOU!" yelled Dialga.

"All of you, shut the fuck up or I will personally beat the shit out of you until you're about as useful as a Magikarp." said Arceus, clearly not in the mood for any bullshit.

All were silent after that.

"Now that you've all shut your traps, I shall explain. We, as the council that governs the world, are facing a new threat. You are my strongest, and favorite, children, which is why you are on this council."

"Yeah yeah so what's the threat?" asked Entei, "Hurry up! Suicune is waiting for me!"

"The threat is..."

"MY DICK?!" yelled Rayquaza obnoxiously.

"No... Gary Oak." said Arceus.

All Arceus' children gasped.

"THE Gary Oak?" asked Mew.

"Yes. He is very dangerous. His abilities to command both women and pokemon into doing what he wants are dangerous. If he were to decide to pursue world domination, we would be powerless against his abilities, for he would gain the support of the rest of the Legendary Pokemon with his charm."

"FUCK GARY OAK!" screamed Dialga.

"Yeh, dat nigga gonna be busted up if I get my clawz up on nasty-ass his face!' said Rayquaza.

"What can we possibly do against of foe of such potential Father?" asked Mew.

"Well, the best thing to do is to enlist the help of someone of equal power. It's the only way we can defeat him." said Arceus.

"Dad... there's no one as influential and powerful as Gary Oak in this universe." said Entei, who already gave up on finishing his business with Suicune.

"In this universe... no. But in another universe..." said Arceus mysteriously.

"Father, you dont mean-"

"Yes Mew. I mean that we shall bring over someone from the universe parallel to the one we currently reside in. Because we are the World Council, we have the power to open up a portal to the next dimension. And that is exactly what we shall do." said Arceus.

"FUCK THIS!" bellowed Dialga.

"Whos da nigga we gonna bring ova to our crib?!" asked Rayquaza.

"For fuck's sake Rayquaza, YOU'RE NOT A THUG." said Entei, tired of his brother trying to be cool.

"...Yeah. I know that..." replied Rayquaza, in a defeated tone, using proper English.

"Anyway," said Arceus. "We shall bring over the only person who can counter Gary Oak's powers: Blue Oak."

"Who's that Father?"

"I wont go into specifics now, but basically, he is Gary Oak's counterpart in the other dimension. Come along children, we must begin the portal opening ceremony!" said Arceus.

Arceus then left the room and his chidren followed. Entei and Mew were the last to leave.

"I cant believe that Gary Oak is so dangerous that we're opening a portal to another dimension." whispered Mew to Entei.

"Gary fucking Oak..." grumbled Entei, still upset about not getting to finish his "activity" with Suicune.

* * *

**Thank God it's over. I had some horrible writer's block writing this. Let's hope i have more luck with the next chapter. Later!**

**~DarkSlash9**


	6. Chapter 6

**Yo! Here's chapter 6! And, here's my first lemon. This chapter is going to be longer than usual because of the lemon. Also, im writing another story called "Pokemon: The Struggle of the Aura" It's another advanceshipping story, except it's not a comedy. It's an adventure! Feel free to check it out! :P**

**Also, i have some bad news. Winter Track starts on Wednesday and I wont be able to post updates as frequently. New chapters will probably only come out on weekends from now on. Sorry.**

**Disclaimer: Yeah, i totally own Pokemon. A 15 year old dork owns Pokemon.**

* * *

"Pika pi... Pikapipi pikachu pi!(I leave you for 10 fucking minutes... and you prove you're even more of a dumbfuck than I thought!)" yelled Pikachu at Ash.

"Yeah buddy! Dawn IS crazy!" replied Ash, as he ran after May.

Ash ran to May's hotel, with Pikachu right beside him. He entered the hotel and realized that he didn't know what room she was in. He then pulled out his cell phone and went to his Settings. He changed his phone from "Show My Number" to "Private Number." He then dialed May's number and waited. After a while, she finally picked up. She sounded like she'd been crying, alot.

"Who is this? Are you a rapist? How'd you get my number?" asked May.

"May, it's me, Ash."

"Why are you calling me? Don't you hate me? Go spend some time with your blue haired bitch."

"May, you do realize it's Opposite Day right?"

"...OHHHHHHHHHHHH..." said May.

"Yeah. I forgot also. But then Dawn reminded me and I then said... what I said. But I really meant the opposite of that."

"I should've known... How could we forget such a sacred holiday?"

"Pika pika pika pi.(You're both dumbfucks. That's how.)" replied Pikachu, who was listening in on the conversation.

"Pikachu, you're such a sweetheart!" replied May, who thought Pikachu was complimenting her.

"Anyway, what's your room number? I don't have a hotel yet. Is it okay if I spend the night with you?" asked Ash shyly.

"...Room 49, on the fourth floor." said May. Ash thought that her voice sounded kind of weird when she said it, but he just shrugged it off. He went to the elevator and inside, bumped into someone he never wanted to see again.

"I'M BATMAN." said the man.

"Pika piiiiiii (Not THIS bastard again...)" muttered Pikachu.

"YOU CANT FOOL ME JOKER. I KNOW IT'S YOU." whispered the man.

"Please leave me alone." replied Ash, scared for his life.

_Ding!_ beeped the elevator as the door opened. It was time for "Batman" to leave.

"YOU MAY WIN THIS ROUND, JOKER. BUT DON'T THINK YOU'RE SAFE. THE DARK KNIGHT IS ALWAYS WATCHING." whispered the man in a husky tone.

Ash sighed in relief when "Batman" left. He then waited for the elevator to reach the fourth floor. When it did, he walked out and searched for room 49. When he finally found it, he knocked on the door. No answer. Ash knocked again.

"Ash is that you?" said May.

"Yep."

May then opened the door. She was wearing a dark red sports bra and pink sweatpants. Ash was caught red-handed checking out her body, which quite frankly, was sexy as fuck. May noticed Ash gawking at her and giggled.

"Like what you see?"

"Sex- I mean, yes." said Ash.

May couldn't help but laugh. She then grabbed Ash by the arm and led him into her room. She led him to her bed and pushed him onto it. Ash looked at her with a confused face. She then took off her sports bra and Ash was no longer confused. He knew what she wanted, and he knew just how to give it to her. Ash then did something he never does. He took out a pokeball, and threw it at Pikachu.

PIKA?!(WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!) yelled Pikachu as he was absorbed into the ball.

"Now that we're alone, lets get this started." said Ash hungrily.

**LEMON**

* * *

May smiled and kissed Ash on the lips. Ash wasted no time in kissing her back. The two made out, until May got brave. She then forcefully pushed her tongue into Ash's mouth and began the bring the kiss to the next level. Ash had no complaints as his tongue entered the fray, battling May's for dominance. May began to moan, and Ash began to want more.

May felt her private area dripping from how much she was turned on. Ash saw a small stain begin to appear near May's southern opening.

"Well, someone's a little horny, eh?" said Ash jokingly, motioning towards May's privacy.

"Says the guy with a Metapod in his boxers." replied May, pointing at Ash's jeans, which had a mountain growing at the crotch area.

Ash smiled and pulled off his shirt. May was caught in the beauty of Ash's body. He nice and muscular. Not buff, but muscular. Ash then pulled off May's sweatpants, and in return, May pulled off Ash's jeans.

"I get the first move!" said May as she pulled off Ash's boxers, revealing his manhood. May stared at it.

"It's small."

Ash's worst nightmare came true. He always feared having a small dick.

"Is it really that small?"

"Naw, just kidding. It's average."

Ash let out a sigh of relief. He let out an even bigger sigh of relief when May's tongue began working its magic on Ash's privacy. Ash was in heaven.

"M-may... im gonna c-c"

"Geez Ash, it's only been like, 30 seconds!" said May, stopping.

"Well... It's my first time..." replied Ash shyly.

"REALLY?! AWWWWWW!" replied May.

"Whatever. Now it's your turn!" said Ash as he pulled off May's panties. He then proceeded to... well... lick. May began to moan quite loudly. She moaned Ash's name multiple times, and soon she was at her limit. Her body shook and then relaxed.

"ASSHHH" she screamed as her juices splashed onto Ash's face.

Ash then removed his head from May's privacy and began to insert himself into her. Immediately, Ash came.

"DWAAHAHAAHAHAAAA!" yelled Ash as his voice cracked.

"Dammit Ash, I know it's your first time and all, but COME ON! With all the porn I found on your pokedex while you were in the hospital, i thought you'd be able to control yourself A LITTLE!"

"I'm sorry..." said Ash, ashamed.

"Whatever... ready for round two, Speedy?" asked May.

"You bet! But just one thing... are you a virgin?"

"Nope."

"Who was your first?!" asked Ash.

"Gary fucking Oak..." replied May.

* * *

**Hi. believe me, I'm about as disappointed with the crappiness of this chapter as you guys probably are. And i know, the 'Lemon' was terrible. I've decided that there will only be 3 more chapters of this story, because I'm really running out of ideas. Peace.**

**~DarkSlash9 **


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